It seems I have somewhat forgotten that I started a YouTube channel. I will say however that I have the hardest time with video content. Does anyone else dread filming themselves, plus having to edit! It’s just too much. But alas it must be done LOL I’ll be uploading mostly skin care related stuff but obviously some random vlogs too, but I want to hear what the viewers want to see! If you’re an avid YouTube browser let me know what you’d like to see. And if you have a channel you think I should subscribe to, feel free to let me know! Let’s get this thing rollin’!! 🙂 Happy Thursday everyone!
Today I wanted to be extremely raw with myself and whoever reads this. Since this is mental health awareness month I wanted to share a bit of my story.
Sometimes I find it really easy for me to write. Other times I struggle with even finding the first few words. I like to think of myself as a pretty open book, I’m good at letting myself be vulnerable and I’m learning to be more present with my emotions. I also like to think I don’t often give a shit how others view me, as their thoughts and opinions don’t define me and my reality. However, I’ve been finding that I hold myself back a lot and have had to ask myself why. I often don’t fully execute ideas and projects to my full ability. I know I could if I tried maybe just another 25% harder but I don’t.
So why don’t I? After some time looking inward I’ve come to the conclusion that somewhere deep down I must have a fear of failure and probably do care a little bit what others think of me if I don’t succeed. This stems from my history of depression. I’ve never been one to get anxiety that often but I’ve been struggling with manic depression from as far back as 11 years old.
The good news is, since I’ve become more aware of this I’ve been letting myself stay in my feelings and my “episodes” for a few minutes, and really just surrender to it. Sometimes I’ll fucking sob on the floor and lose my damn mind. It can get pretty lonely when you’re in that dark place.
But one thing resonates with me… Yes I have depression and it cannot be changed. But I’m aware I live with it and I CAN change my thoughts on the byproducts of the emotions. The byproducts being that feeling of failure and what others think of me. Here’s the thing though… PSA: These negative thoughts you experience aren’t yours! You are conditioned over the years of your life and fed these soul sucking thoughts by external sources.
Other people may have said or done things to you and put those thoughts in your head and now you believe them. Well don’t because they truly aren’t yours to begin with!! The sooner you realize that and diminish these EXTERNAL thoughts you’ll be able to control your INTERNAL growth!
Since I was actually able to get the courage to share this, I’ll be diving deeper into my history with my mental illness and writing more about my experiences with it.
This also stemmed from me stoping my podcast…I was afraid I’d fail and afraid what people would say, was I good enough? Was it boring? Do I sound dumb? But honestly fuck it. I’m doing it for the 1% out there that may need to hear what I have to say. If I can help just one person suffering from any mental illness then it’s worth it to be judged. That being said… I made a new episode. Go check it out, or don’t. But either way spread some love and compassion today. You never know who needs it.
Let me start by saying I’m the queen of letting a dull uninspired mindstate get the best of me. We all have those days don’t we? Where we want to lay around and binge watch real housewives and dream of fancy, warm vacays, bottomless mimosas for breakfast. But unfortunately that shit doesn’t pay the bills. Well, not in my life it doesn’t.
So what do you do when you can’t write, create, think straight etc. Before I started this blog I was having a massive 3.0 writers block and let me tell you it’s V V ANNOYING. Like helloooo, why does it feel like there is a cute, white fluffy kitten patting a ball of red string around inside my head? It’s excruciatingly hard to concentrate some days.
I wanted to make a “how to” post about how you can instantly clear your head and get down to the nitty gritty.
Step 1: I do this every morning in my living room but it’s nice to do in a small space if you’re trying to have some quiet inspo time. Essential oils. Wether you use a diffuser or prefer some quick spray or roll on scents, my favorites currently are citrus flavors. Lemon, grapefruit and sweet orange. Citrus oils are great for enhancing your mood and help reduce feelings of anxiety and irritability. They also boost your mental energy levels and pep you the fuck up! Perfect right?!
Step 2: Breathing. Kinda need to breathe to live I know but how often do you actually just sit or lay down and have some really good breathes? Taking 5-10 mins to focus on just breathing with your belly and not your chest is so fulfilling (see what I did there?) No seriously though, it feels SO good. I like to imagine white and pink sparkly light coming in through my nose and filling up my belly as I breathe in, breathe in alllllll the way, hold it for a couple seconds and exhale. As you exhale imagine all that same white and pink sparkly, magical light is being released through your mouth, along with whatever worries, bad thoughts and negative energy you were harbouring inside you.
Step 3: Next I like to put on a few tracks and dance around in my room aka in front of mirror like a total idiot. You gotta get that blood flowing and what’s better than shaking your cute ass. Maybe I’m old but remember Electric Circus on much music circa 1999? I use to watch that religiously and dance like a maniac in my room with my door barricaded so my nosey older brothers couldn’t come in and bust me living my best life.
So there it is! Some super easy, super cheesy but effective ways to get out of your slump.
Have some other favorite ways to get inspired quickly? I want to hear them!! Comment on my latest IG post with some great ways to undull your mind and I’ll add them to a future blog or podcast!
Ok guys, I’m going to try to make this short but knowing me that actually won’t happen and I will most likely ramble on so I apologize in advance.
Let me first start by saying HOLY FUCKING CAT SHIT is social media ever a headache! If only I had a dollar for every second I’ve wasted trying to piece together the shit show that has been the last few months of my life online. Now don’t get me wrong this story has a happy ending so over all I’m happy and content. Let’s rewind back to November.
It was just a normal day for me, posted my usual daily post with more than likely a smart ass caption that took me way too long to figure out. I kissed my cats a few million times, talked to my bird, annoyed my fiance. Totally normal stuff, until later in the day when I went to check my Instagram. Nothing. Logged out. Glitch in the Matrix? Possibly….but no it in fact was fucking not.
It actually took over half hour until I got the dreaded “your account has been disabled for violating terms” message. I panicked. Now I know it’s only social media and not real life but when you spend 6 solid years building an honest following…no bought followers etc, and when you make a living off your social media; it’s kind of hard to not worry about it.
So I appealed it, over 30 times since then if we are being honest. No response. Now, knowing in my heart I did nothing wrong as I’ve never posted anything that would violate terms, I figured I’d get it back so I vowed not to make a new account. Well 2 weeks later I caved. Made a new “backup account”, and here is where it gets nuts. A few weeks into this new account I reported a fake account using my photos. Then I got the notification “this account has been taken down for pretending to be someone else”…. I thought OH FUCKKK YA, one point for me. Wrong.
I then clicked on the notification and boom…logged out. Instagram deleted my account (again) INSTEAD of the fake one using my photos. Zero points for me. So flash forward now a few more weeks. My jewelry page (shameless plug, if you haven’t yet be sure to follow it on IG) was thriving. I was getting good exposure, lots of hits on my new site. Business as usual, I go to check my account….logged out. Fuck me right. This time it was hacked. Completely deleted and gone forever.
Now let’s rewind again and go back to when my first original account got deleted (I hope you’re still following) At this time I was really feeling down, depressed, uninspired and most of all I was already feeling like social media was sucking the life out of me. The constant pressure to make good quality posts and stay relevant was always weighing on me hard. I was working a job I wasn’t 100% sure of, I didn’t know what direction I wanted to go with that and if I wanted to seperate it from my Instagram. I was confused.
Through the months of November and December I stayed feeling this way, all of the social media bullshit was too much so I deleted my Facebook and tried to stay off of it all as much as I could. Some issues in my personal life were bothering me and I was at a very low point until after new years. I kept thinking why is all this bad shit happening to me? That’s when it hit me.
None of this was happening to me, it was happening FOR me. I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t changing because I was fighting the natural flow. The universe was sending me sign after sign and I was ignoring it because I was so far down, deep in my pool of self pity and deflection. All of these things were happening FOR me to clear space in my life for new, better things to come. I was literally being forced off social media. That time I had to myself was so nurturing and healing.
I was finally able to think clearly, to feel more, to be present, to look up into the fucking sky instead of into a tiny piece of soul sucking technology. It was short but it was so sweet. I got back into writing, editing, shooting, all the things I had been putting off because I was so absorbed into what I thought I had to post next, just for some superficial admiration from strangers.
I had the time to think about what my intention is for social media, what purpose I want to use it for and what direction, and message I want to give to people following. Posting because I felt I had to wasn’t making me happy. I used it like a drug, it was an addiction. I want to use it as a tool to connect with a community and of course a job I enjoy. We are given this platform, the internet; our gateway to everyone, everything, and anything and we let it control us.
Well FRIG THAT, not anymore. Being back on social media but with limited time has been so refreshing. Posting and putting my phone down without the urge to pick it up every 2 seconds is fucking RAD.
So guys, I want you to do this with me. TRY to consciously use your time online wisely. When you find yourself scrolling remind yourself to stop. Literally say in your head over and over “fuck off phone”. There’s a thing on most devices these days that can track your time on each app. Check it, you’ll be amazed and probably partly disgusted. I was anyways. Let’s get that number way way down!
Here’s a lil trick I do. Think of 3 positive words to describe yourself… Mine are ambitious, loyal and caring. Everytime you pick up your phone to check your socials think of those 3 words. Think of how much time you can spend off your phone really BEING those 3 words for yourself, your friends and fam. Repeat those words and use them as fuel to get shit done! Social media isnt everything but without spending so much time on it YOU can be everything you wish to be!
And with that im getting off line and going to work out and be present with the day!!
I cannot put into words how much gratitude I’ve been feeling lately. I’m literally in tears as I write this because just a week ago I was so low I didn’t want to live. I’ve accepted myself and my vulnerability and I’m listening. I’m listening to my heart, my mind, my body, my well being. When I was down it felt like I’d never be up again. I had to get outside of myself. I forced myself to change, I started working out, practicing feeling grateful. I started taking care of my health, eating clean but mostly I got the fuck off social media.
I use to think things like money, social media, being liked by everyone mattered, of course you need money and social interaction to live but it truly does not matter. It doesn’t make you genuinely happy. Social acceptance doesn’t make you happy. I use to think I needed all of that to be who I am but it’s the exact opposite. Today I have less followers, less money, less “friends” and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Quality over quantity is a saying that is so fucking real, props to whoever figured that one out.
I had to change my self confidence and self trust. A shift in the ego. Ive been telling myself to keep my promises to myself to do better. I’m so fucking grateful. I’m content. I’m happy to be alive.
If you are ever feeling depressed, please reach out. Get into a routine, a ritual. Work out, eat clean, give yourself time to be still and meditate. Associate with happy spiritual people. Get rid of toxic people and things. Have a will to win. And you will.
Get grateful. Get driven. Get better.