Living With Depression & Self Doubt

Today I wanted to be extremely raw with myself and whoever reads this. Since this is mental health awareness month I wanted to share a bit of my story.

Sometimes I find it really easy for me to write. Other times I struggle with even finding the first few words. I like to think of myself as a pretty open book, I’m good at letting myself be vulnerable and I’m learning to be more present with my emotions. I also like to think I don’t often give a shit how others view me, as their thoughts and opinions don’t define me and my reality. However, I’ve been finding that I hold myself back a lot and have had to ask myself why. I often don’t fully execute ideas and projects to my full ability. I know I could if I tried maybe just another 25% harder but I don’t.

So why don’t I? After some time looking inward I’ve come to the conclusion that somewhere deep down I must have a fear of failure and probably do care a little bit what others think of me if I don’t succeed. This stems from my history of depression. I’ve never been one to get anxiety that often but I’ve been struggling with manic depression from as far back as 11 years old.

The good news is, since I’ve become more aware of this I’ve been letting myself stay in my feelings and my “episodes” for a few minutes, and really just surrender to it. Sometimes I’ll fucking sob on the floor and lose my damn mind. It can get pretty lonely when you’re in that dark place.

But one thing resonates with me… Yes I have depression and it cannot be changed. But I’m aware I live with it and I CAN change my thoughts on the byproducts of the emotions. The byproducts being that feeling of failure and what others think of me. Here’s the thing though… PSA: These negative thoughts you experience aren’t yours! You are conditioned over the years of your life and fed these soul sucking thoughts by external sources.

Other people may have said or done things to you and put those thoughts in your head and now you believe them. Well don’t because they truly aren’t yours to begin with!! The sooner you realize that and diminish these EXTERNAL thoughts you’ll be able to control your INTERNAL growth!

Since I was actually able to get the courage to share this, I’ll be diving deeper into my history with my mental illness and writing more about my experiences with it.

This also stemmed from me stoping my podcast…I was afraid I’d fail and afraid what people would say, was I good enough? Was it boring? Do I sound dumb? But honestly fuck it. I’m doing it for the 1% out there that may need to hear what I have to say. If I can help just one person suffering from any mental illness then it’s worth it to be judged. That being said… I made a new episode. Go check it out, or don’t. But either way spread some love and compassion today. You never know who needs it.
❤️❤️❤️

Gratitude is an attitude!

I cannot put into words how much gratitude I’ve been feeling lately. I’m literally in tears as I write this because just a week ago I was so low I didn’t want to live. I’ve accepted myself and my vulnerability and I’m listening. I’m listening to my heart, my mind, my body, my well being. When I was down it felt like I’d never be up again. I had to get outside of myself. I forced myself to change, I started working out, practicing feeling grateful. I started taking care of my health, eating clean but mostly I got the fuck off social media.

I use to think things like money, social media, being liked by everyone mattered, of course you need money and social interaction to live but it truly does not matter. It doesn’t make you genuinely happy. Social acceptance doesn’t make you happy. I use to think I needed all of that to be who I am but it’s the exact opposite. Today I have less followers, less money, less “friends” and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Quality over quantity is a saying that is so fucking real, props to whoever figured that one out.

I had to change my self confidence and self trust. A shift in the ego. Ive been telling myself to keep my promises to myself to do better. I’m so fucking grateful. I’m content. I’m happy to be alive.

If you are ever feeling depressed, please reach out. Get into a routine, a ritual. Work out, eat clean, give yourself time to be still and meditate. Associate with happy spiritual people. Get rid of toxic people and things. Have a will to win. And you will.

Get grateful. Get driven. Get better.