Living With Depression & Self Doubt

Today I wanted to be extremely raw with myself and whoever reads this. Since this is mental health awareness month I wanted to share a bit of my story.

Sometimes I find it really easy for me to write. Other times I struggle with even finding the first few words. I like to think of myself as a pretty open book, I’m good at letting myself be vulnerable and I’m learning to be more present with my emotions. I also like to think I don’t often give a shit how others view me, as their thoughts and opinions don’t define me and my reality. However, I’ve been finding that I hold myself back a lot and have had to ask myself why. I often don’t fully execute ideas and projects to my full ability. I know I could if I tried maybe just another 25% harder but I don’t.

So why don’t I? After some time looking inward I’ve come to the conclusion that somewhere deep down I must have a fear of failure and probably do care a little bit what others think of me if I don’t succeed. This stems from my history of depression. I’ve never been one to get anxiety that often but I’ve been struggling with manic depression from as far back as 11 years old.

The good news is, since I’ve become more aware of this I’ve been letting myself stay in my feelings and my “episodes” for a few minutes, and really just surrender to it. Sometimes I’ll fucking sob on the floor and lose my damn mind. It can get pretty lonely when you’re in that dark place.

But one thing resonates with me… Yes I have depression and it cannot be changed. But I’m aware I live with it and I CAN change my thoughts on the byproducts of the emotions. The byproducts being that feeling of failure and what others think of me. Here’s the thing though… PSA: These negative thoughts you experience aren’t yours! You are conditioned over the years of your life and fed these soul sucking thoughts by external sources.

Other people may have said or done things to you and put those thoughts in your head and now you believe them. Well don’t because they truly aren’t yours to begin with!! The sooner you realize that and diminish these EXTERNAL thoughts you’ll be able to control your INTERNAL growth!

Since I was actually able to get the courage to share this, I’ll be diving deeper into my history with my mental illness and writing more about my experiences with it.

This also stemmed from me stoping my podcast…I was afraid I’d fail and afraid what people would say, was I good enough? Was it boring? Do I sound dumb? But honestly fuck it. I’m doing it for the 1% out there that may need to hear what I have to say. If I can help just one person suffering from any mental illness then it’s worth it to be judged. That being said… I made a new episode. Go check it out, or don’t. But either way spread some love and compassion today. You never know who needs it.
❤️❤️❤️

My Super Specific Morning Routine

Since I know everyone loves a good am routine I figured I’d join the club and tell you all about mine with every detail imaginable.

But first my pre wake up is my cat. My angel darling sweet boy likes to try to wake me up usually an hour before my alarm because he thinks that is when I want to snuggle….I do not. So after like 5 mins of him touching my face with his stinky cat litter paw and licking my salty eyelids I try to push him away or I’ll grab him and hold him down until he gives up and goes back to bed. Super annoying, this is a for sure thing every damn day. I hate it but if I’m being honest I love it.

We snuggle and go back to sleep until my alarm. I have a Google pixel 2 (not totally sold on this though, thinking of going back to iPhone… thoughts?) However, it has this really cool function called Google assistant routine. So I have my alarm set for 6:45am. As soon as that alarm goes off my “assistant” says good morning, because who doesn’t want to be woken up by a cold robotic toned woman in the morning?? She then tells me the weather for the day, goes over anything in my calendar, reminders and then plays me a podcast! SUCH a fun little trick to actually wake me up and get me going.

I may hit snooze for 10 mins to just get that extra slow none rushed wake up brain zen going, ya know? I hate having an alarm go off and just jumping out of bed so I do 15 mins prior to the time I actually want to be up. After about 10-15 mins I usually turn my podcast off if I need silence, to do some morning meditation in bed. I just lay exactly where I am and practice belly breathing and I like to repeat certain things. Setting my intentions for the day is key so nothing can fuck with me! Make yourself and your space unfuckwithable! I do this usually 5 minutes. Practicing longer meditation but it’s really hard for me to be still and turn off my thoughts for long but this is something I’m working on.

By this time Fish (my cat) is awake and needs his morning attention. I literally cannot even touch my phone because he will head bump it right out of my cold white dead hands that have zero circulation because it’s freezing in my house.

We spend a good 15 (ok maybe longer) snuggling and talking. He walks over my head, claws at the blanket to get under, rubs his lips and mouth on my face, you know the usual. No morning is complete without him! I wake my daughter up at 7:15 and she gets ready for school. She’s 10 so she’s very independent and gets her own breakfast, makes her own lunch etc. It’s sad and I feel like she doesn’t need me anymore lol time for more cats?

While she’s getting ready and I’m done the meditation and snuggles I sit in bed and chug as much cold water as I can. I bought a giant water bottle that holds 1.2L of water and keeps it cold for 24 hours but for reals FOREVER. It’s unreal. I got it from home sense for $15!! The brand is called Takeya. You need one! Life changing!!

Next I get up and put on my black yoga pants that I got from Ardenes for like $10 because they have the softest furry lining and they are ultra comfy. These are my go to’s but if they are in the laundry I’ll grab the next comfy choice. I have my big over sized Taylor Gang blue hoodie hanging up waiting for me to slip my frail cold body into and my fuzzy socks. My mom literally buys me a new pair every chance she gets. Go mom! And my fiance’s giant slippers that I stole that are aka mine, and I’m off to the bathroom for my am skin care routine. I have my pants, socks and slippers next to my bed in a laundry basket the night before so they’re ready to go. HATE being cold and rummaging around for clothes.

Am skin care: this actually varies because I have a few different favs that I’m loving at the moment and this needs an entire blog to itself. (Will post asap!) I do my am routine and once I’m finished I head to the kitchen, put the kiddos lunch etc in her bag and do her hair. The one thing she’s not the best at but again I’m psychotic and need to do it myself so she doesn’t look like shes living outside the house in a van. I drive her to school and head back.

As soon as I’m back I fill up my diffuser with whatever oil I’m having a moment with. Right now it’s called Clary sage and OMFG it’s the best smell. You know those scents you smell and they trigger moments in your life and you can literally remember times you had with that scent?! This one smells like a cream I use to use that I got from the skin care clinic I use to go to a few years ago and it’s like a summery fresh but almost floral but not like old lady flower floral ya know? I got it in a big pack from winners that has 14 oils in it. It’s hands down the best one I’ve found, and has ALL my favorite kinds inside. Grapefruit, lemon, blood orange, cinnamon, so many good ones!

I feed the cats and my bird, open all my blinds so it’s nice and bright and I sweep my kitchen floor. I cannot make breakfast if my floor is dirty. I’ll usually open my windows too if it’s not freezing outside. (These routines will vary with the season changes).

My kitchen is most likely clean because I wash dishes after dinner. I swear I’m not ocd…or maybe I am? I clean my house numerous times a day, maybe I have a problem?! I just need a clean environment ok?! I think having a clean space is EXTREMELY important to time management. I can’t function in dark messy places.

Once my floors are clean, blinds open, house smelling fresh I make breakfast. I either do gluten free oatmeal with fruit and nuts. Mostly cashews because that’s my main nut, but I’ll settle for a pecan or walnut I suppose. Some say a nut is a nut but once again I’m picky. Whaddya do?

Or I’ll do coconut dairy free yogurt with gluten free granola…YUM! And last but my new fav and not least. A toasted gluten free bagel with vegan mayo, lettuce, bacon Maple flavored tempeh, avacado, little bit of hotsauce and of course herbamare herbed sea salt. So delish guys, you need to try. You can put tomato on too for a “VLT” but I cant have tomatoes right now so I exnayed it.

Aaaaaandddd now that that’s done I’m off for the rest of my day. Afternoon routine coming soon?

Jesus Christ I hope I didn’t scare you guys away! haha If you guys liked this blog post, let me know your thoughts, drop me a DM, comment on my latest instagram post, email me, anything! Always love feedback 🙂 Thanks for reading.

Love Jenna

Gratitude is an attitude!

I cannot put into words how much gratitude I’ve been feeling lately. I’m literally in tears as I write this because just a week ago I was so low I didn’t want to live. I’ve accepted myself and my vulnerability and I’m listening. I’m listening to my heart, my mind, my body, my well being. When I was down it felt like I’d never be up again. I had to get outside of myself. I forced myself to change, I started working out, practicing feeling grateful. I started taking care of my health, eating clean but mostly I got the fuck off social media.

I use to think things like money, social media, being liked by everyone mattered, of course you need money and social interaction to live but it truly does not matter. It doesn’t make you genuinely happy. Social acceptance doesn’t make you happy. I use to think I needed all of that to be who I am but it’s the exact opposite. Today I have less followers, less money, less “friends” and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Quality over quantity is a saying that is so fucking real, props to whoever figured that one out.

I had to change my self confidence and self trust. A shift in the ego. Ive been telling myself to keep my promises to myself to do better. I’m so fucking grateful. I’m content. I’m happy to be alive.

If you are ever feeling depressed, please reach out. Get into a routine, a ritual. Work out, eat clean, give yourself time to be still and meditate. Associate with happy spiritual people. Get rid of toxic people and things. Have a will to win. And you will.

Get grateful. Get driven. Get better.