Living With Depression & Self Doubt

Today I wanted to be extremely raw with myself and whoever reads this. Since this is mental health awareness month I wanted to share a bit of my story.

Sometimes I find it really easy for me to write. Other times I struggle with even finding the first few words. I like to think of myself as a pretty open book, I’m good at letting myself be vulnerable and I’m learning to be more present with my emotions. I also like to think I don’t often give a shit how others view me, as their thoughts and opinions don’t define me and my reality. However, I’ve been finding that I hold myself back a lot and have had to ask myself why. I often don’t fully execute ideas and projects to my full ability. I know I could if I tried maybe just another 25% harder but I don’t.

So why don’t I? After some time looking inward I’ve come to the conclusion that somewhere deep down I must have a fear of failure and probably do care a little bit what others think of me if I don’t succeed. This stems from my history of depression. I’ve never been one to get anxiety that often but I’ve been struggling with manic depression from as far back as 11 years old.

The good news is, since I’ve become more aware of this I’ve been letting myself stay in my feelings and my “episodes” for a few minutes, and really just surrender to it. Sometimes I’ll fucking sob on the floor and lose my damn mind. It can get pretty lonely when you’re in that dark place.

But one thing resonates with me… Yes I have depression and it cannot be changed. But I’m aware I live with it and I CAN change my thoughts on the byproducts of the emotions. The byproducts being that feeling of failure and what others think of me. Here’s the thing though… PSA: These negative thoughts you experience aren’t yours! You are conditioned over the years of your life and fed these soul sucking thoughts by external sources.

Other people may have said or done things to you and put those thoughts in your head and now you believe them. Well don’t because they truly aren’t yours to begin with!! The sooner you realize that and diminish these EXTERNAL thoughts you’ll be able to control your INTERNAL growth!

Since I was actually able to get the courage to share this, I’ll be diving deeper into my history with my mental illness and writing more about my experiences with it.

This also stemmed from me stoping my podcast…I was afraid I’d fail and afraid what people would say, was I good enough? Was it boring? Do I sound dumb? But honestly fuck it. I’m doing it for the 1% out there that may need to hear what I have to say. If I can help just one person suffering from any mental illness then it’s worth it to be judged. That being said… I made a new episode. Go check it out, or don’t. But either way spread some love and compassion today. You never know who needs it.

I conquered my fears and made my first Podcast!

Alrighty guys,

By now you’ve heard the news about this new venture I’ve dived into. Yes that’s right, my mother fucking podcast!! Yayyyy me AMIRIIIITE??! Ok so I just gotta say, if you’re ever doubting yourself and feeling like you can’t do something. Just do it! (Thanks Nike).

I will admit I have no god damn idea what I’m doing but I’m having fun doing it so fuck it. On my podcast I’ll be covering beauty, wellness, style, daily life issues, influencial people, my take on what I think is good advice?? and pretty much anything in between. To say I have a niche is maybe a bit off. I’m a gemini ok, like fuck my brain. I have way too much going on upstairs for me to cover only one niche. So let’s call it a lifestyle podcast…? Yes great, glad we got that covered!

The great thing about this podcasting and blogging thing is that it’s all MY way. I’m the boss. And if you’re like me and have a hard time doing a regular 9-5 and being on someone else’s clock then you’ll understand. It’s so 1990. Huge fan of the 90s but not the work force days. Today anyone can basically do anything they want from the comfort of their own home online. Legit in tights and a sports bra while I write this. Slaying the game here people.

So if you haven’t checked it out yet please do! I wanna hear your thoughts and suggestions on what you’d like to hear me talk about. You can listen to Jenna’s View – The Podcast on all your favorite apps such as Anchor, Google podcasts (android only), Spotify, breaker and more! Don’t forget to subscribe and if you’re feeling generous give me a 5 star rating. Wink wink nudge nudge. Thanks for stopping by, now get out there and sucks today’s D!!!–My-first-podcast-e3180b/a-a5g0os